


mirror mirror

by mnemememory



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Gen, like oh my god, spoilers for episode 48
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-24
Updated: 2019-01-24
Packaged: 2019-10-15 07:39:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,002
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17524589
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mnemememory/pseuds/mnemememory
Summary: Your people.Of course.





	mirror mirror

It stings, is the thing. It _stings_.

Caleb is walking, but it’s a bare thing. His feet keep tripping over his knees – the only reason he’s made it this far unscathed is because Caduceus is gently propping him up every few metres. Caleb doesn’t sway, but the whole world does.

There is vomit still coating the back of his teeth, swilling around his mouth. Every time he breathes in the smell is almost enough to make him wretch again. It clings. He used to have such a strong stomach.

Frumpkin is latched onto the side of his shoulder, furry body burrowed tight into the crook of his neck. Caleb has a white-knuckled grip on his fur, twisting it hard enough to hurt. Frumpkin doesn’t complain. His claws stick through Caleb’s shirt and into his skin, but Caleb can’t feel them. He can’t feel anything at the moment.

Nott is –

Nott is –

Beau is at his other side. She isn’t looking at him, but every few seconds she nudges him out of the way of something that Caleb doesn’t have the energy to see. He wants to be sick. He grips tighter to Frumpkin’s fur and wills his empty stomach dead.

_Your people_.

Caleb knows his people. Caleb has known his people since he was five years old, and sparks had flown out from the tips of his fingers and the world had been filled to the brim with light. He spent hours agonizing over whatever books he could get his grubby little hands on, picking away at the words and unfolding his fingers into new spells. It was beautiful. Caleb has known so many beautiful things.

He can’t breathe.

Caleb is walking. Caleb is walking. Caleb is _walking_ , his legs are moving. There are people next to him, in front of him, behind him. There is ash in his lungs and fire in his belly and he’s been burned out. He’s burned himself out. One foot in front of the other – steady, steady. No need to cause a scene.

Sparks are flying up through his vision, fireflies bleeding from his fingertips and towards the sun. Caleb blinks, and they’re gone. Blinks, and they’re gone. Blinks, and they’re gone.

Blinks, and –

Frumpkin’s double-vision lurches him forward awkwardly. Caduceus grabs his arm and hauls him up. Nott is –

Nott is –

Frumpkin blinks, slowly. Cat-vision is different from person-vision. Caleb turns Frumpkin’s head and watches the ruins of the city, memorizing the places, the rubble. This is where Nott lived, once. This is where Nott had a _family_ , once. (Of course she had a family). He is walking blind, but he’s done this before. Beau is a steady presence to his side.

_My people. Your people_.

Of course.

Caleb doesn’t know why he’s surprised. He shouldn’t be surprised. He is. It’s a sickened, clawing thing in his ribs that keeps digging and digging and digging. There’s nothing inside his skin but bones. He’s been hollowed out. Scraped thin.

It is better to know, he tells himself. It is always better to know. Caleb has spent his whole life in the pursuit of knowledge. He can’t blame the truth for ruining his life, not when he’s done such a good job of that all by himself.

Frumpkin is real. Frumpkin is on his shoulder. He is looking out at the world through Frumpkin’s eyes, and it is as terrible as he remembers it to be. Caleb can feel his own shivering from inside of his cat, but he doesn’t think it is visible to the rest of the group. Be calm. Be calm. Be calm. Walk forward, blind eyes wide open. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

(Caleb has known his people since he was seventeen, with his mothers screams bleeding in his ears and his father’s blood painting his palms red. Yes. Yes. Yes, his people have done this).

Nott looks bigger like this. She always looks bigger in Frumpkin’s eyes, no matter that Frumpkin is looking down at her from Caleb’s shoulder. She’s striding forward with grim purpose, eyes set straight ahead. She hasn’t turned to look at him, not once.

Why should she? Caleb thinks. She doesn’t need the replacement anymore.

Caleb closes his eyes and sits himself down at a table. He is facing a mirror. He can’t quite look it in the eye but that doesn’t matter. He sits straight, like he was taught. Spine made of brittle steel. The imagine closes his eyes and slumps back into his chair.

“You should have seen this coming,” the mirror says.

“No,” he says.

“You think that someone could love you?” the mirror says. “ _You_? Of course not. You should have seen this coming.”

“Not her,” he says.

“There’s nothing left in you to love,” the mirror says. “You’re an empty thing.”

Caleb shakes his head. He shakes his body. He is shaking all over, hands and feet and throat.

“I cannot leave,” he says.

“You should have left when you had the chance,” the mirror says. “You should leave now. Run. It would be better for everyone involved if you just left.”

“I can help her,” he says. “I can – I can –”

“Make it worse?” the mirror says. It is smiling. _He_ is smiling. “Of course you can make it worse. You can’t possibly make it _better_.”

“No,” he says – the mirror says – he says. “No, you’re wrong –”

“Go.”

“Caleb?”

Caleb opens his eyes. Frumpkin stares at Beau, who is pulling gently at his wrist. Nott is – Nott is in front of them, next to Jester. Fjord is behind him. Caduceus is to his other side. Yasha is next to him. He is the centre of a knot of people, and he’s choking.

“You were talking in Zemnian,” she says. “None of us could understand you. But we’re here. We need to talk.”

Caleb needs to _go_.

He nods. His head nods. He can’t let go of Frumpkin. If he lets go of Frumpkin, he will die.

_Your people_.

Of course. Of course. Of course.

**Author's Note:**

> episode 48 fucked me up you guys


End file.
